So I know I said I would do Giant Shark vs Giant Octopus but I’ve been busy so you’re getting Buffy.

For those who are just now coming from an amish town or their rock, buffy is a series created by Joss Whedon, first as a movie then as a series (earning one spin off too) and then a comic that is still going. I’m not going to talk of the show or the comics now. THIS review is going to be on the movie.

Without further ado, Buffy: The Vampire Slayer.

The movie opens with a quick explanation of the Slayer. For those who do not know what a slayer is let me break it down for you: the slayer is ALWAYS female. There is only one slayer per generation unless the slayer dies then a new one is born. Most don’t live to see their adulthood because of how dangerous the job is. They have what is called a watcher. Someone who trains and educates the slayer on how to slay vampires and demons. In the movie-verse the Slayer has a mole as a birth mark to identify them to their watchers.

After this introduction, we see Donald Sutherland and Kristen Swanson dressed up as if they’re going to a renaissance fair. They talk slayer talk then Kristen holds a dagger after being proclaimed a slayer and then we cut to…-sigh- A pom pom in the air. Yes that’s right a pom pom. We then zoom to a perky blond cheerleader, Kristen Swanson, doing a, you guessed it, routine to an old early 90′s late 80′s pop/rap number. After this a game of basket ball begins only to have it change yet again to a shopping mall.

I’m not going to describe the whole movie but let me say this, as a female who lives in California I feel insulted that most of you guys don’t know the difference between Southern California and Northern California. The type of girls you see in this movie are the typical SoCal girl. Rich, pretty and spoiled. While not all of Southern Cali is like that, the OC, Beverly Hills type of girl are. Northern california has hipster/hippie/ghetto type of girls. With a few gamer girls such as myself around there too. So when people like Katty Perry write songs based on So’Cal girls I get pissed because NOT ALL CALIFORNIA GIRLS DO THAT! ONLY THE STUPID HILLS/OC GIRLS! It’s the same with guys too…I’m gonna stop my rant now…

This movie is cult material, with teen horror written all over it and honestly? It does a good job for the time it came out. It’s a bit teeth grinding if you watch it in this era because you just wanna slap them for being stupid and they get credit for having Pee-Wee Herman be a creepy vampire. This movie for me is a solid 5 out of 10 because as annoying as the stereotypical valley girl thing it DID pave the way for the series and that was pretty bad ass.

And I’m back again! This time with what has to be the most disgusting and disturbing movie ever. And that’s a lot coming from someone who enjoys these things and wants to be a special effects make-up artist. What am I talking about? Why Dead Alive of course!

Directed by Peter Jackson, before his Lord of the Rings obviously, this movie is raunchy, disturbing and will make you cringe at just how much gross factor they could fit.

The plot is a bit weird. A rat monkey was taken from it’s home in Africa by the white man and apparently carries a disease that brings the dead to life, or something like that. The film itself is set in the 1940s-1950s in believe it or not, New Zealand. Yes the same place they made Lord of the Rings was also where he made this movie.

Our hero is a man named Lionel who lives in fancy mansion with his mother. Our heroine is a Latina woman named Paquita. Paquita learns that she is destined for Lionel and stalks him until he agrees to a date at the zoo. Now the mom is a bat shit insane jealous woman and stalks them on their date. She gets bitten and then dies. Of course then she comes back as a zombie with pus and all.

Now before she dies, she gets ill, should’ve mentioned it earlier, but anyways Paquita decides to come over with a dog. She goes to help Lionel pack a night bag for his mom when you hear a crash and the dog barking. The two run up to see what’s up and all you see is blood everywhere and the pus filled disgusting mother with a tail sticking out from her mouth. Lionel pulls on the tail and reveal that’s all there is left thus giving birth to the second best line EVER: ‘Your mother ate my dog!!’ Now I can’t really write how she says it but oh my god, if you don’t laugh at that then you seriously need to see someone. So when the mother dies, there’s a funeral in which we meet douche bag American uncle, pompadour and all. After a few more embarrassing scenes of people thinking Lionel is a necrophilia, we cut to Lionel digging out his mom only to be confronted by a gang of guys. They all get infected but only one really lives. Amidst the fighting the preacher comes to help our hero bringing the BEST line ever: ‘I kick ass for the Lord!’ Again I can’t exaggerate on them as well as the actors but this line was just so funny that again, you’d have to have no soul not to laugh.

So Lionel takes the priest, his mom and the gang leader home and cares for them. The nurse who was the one who declared the mom dead is turned to. So as he feeds them, the uncle comes back. Lionel not wanting to get caught, offers up the house and some of the money. Douche bag takes the offer when we hear some…noises. The priest and the nurse are doing it. Yes you heard me. The PRIEST and THE NURSE ARE HAVING SEX IN THE KITCHEN. I’ll give you a moment to soak it in.

A few days later the nurse has a baby. Yes again I’ll let this soak in: the nurse has a zombie baby. And let me tell you, this is the ugliest f—ing thing ever. Lionel takes it out for a stroll, because that’s total what you do with zombie babies, expose it to the outside world. The baby is free and Lionel abuses the f–k out of it, earning him odd looks. Paquita meanwhile is seeing another man named Roger who doesn’t like Lionel and says that he’s a freak. Disheartened he goes home only to find that douche bag uncle threw a party. The zombies get loose, change almost everyone and thus begins the killing spree. Now I wont give too much away but the mom turns into a hideous creature that Lionel and Paquita kill and the two walk away from the now burning mansion and go off to live happily ever after.

This movie was so…ugh. I shudder when I think about it. It’s gross, creepy and disturbing. What the hell Jackson? What the hell were you on when you made this film? My ratings are as the following: Overall: 6.5 out of 10
Gross factor: 11 out of 10
Scary Factor: 7.5 out of 10
Effects factor: 8.5 out of 10

If you love watching these kind of movies then this is DEFINITELY the movie for you.